It's just all jumbled.

Life has been so insanely crazy lately it's not even funny. Had to move back in(well somewhat moved) with my parents cause well Ashlen and I had a falling out issue. That just was crazy and stressful on me just cause it was emotionally straining on everything, mostly because at first I felt so beyond betrayed by Eric.

Finally once he and I talked about things he was great and was there for me to talk to about it which I was really greatful for because for once I leaned on him for something. We both kind of realized in the past few weeks how thankful and greatful we are for one another which kind of made me a little bit happier.

But I mean things aren't like PERFECT between us though because sometimes there's those stupid fights we get into because I'll be stuborn about things that he says to me and I know he's right but I don't really want to admit that he is. It's just I hate admitting to him though that things he says to me are right because there's a part of me that doesn't want him to be right one things about me, but I guess maybe it's good that he does notice things that I need to work on and point them out to me or else I'm just going to keep on doing them and not fix it.

I just have sooo many thoughts going through my head about things that I really just feel like letting it all out by crying but I'm afraid that if I do I won't stop and it scares me. There's that part of me though that wants to let it all out to someone else but really I don't even feel like I can or have someone that I can do that to.

There are times when I feel that everything is great but the moment that I think that there's something that gets thrown in and makes me re-think everything and even more confused about things.

Honestly life is just seeming more confusing as the days go by, more so than I hope and hope though that some how something good is going to become of all this and I'll be happy(and not the fake happy like I put on now a days).

I just wish that guys weren't so complicated.....

Exhausted....

I'm just so completley drained and exhausted from everything these past couple weeks. Last week at work just kicked my ass and not only am I tired from that just emotionally lately I've been so drained. It's just kind of hard and frustrating dealing with things and being so tired from work it all just has built up more a lot lately this past week.

I made good money this week but ugh I'm scared that today and tomorrow the money I won't make isn't going to be enough to help me out with my trip to San Antonio this weekend. Thinking about asking my mom for money to help me out with it is a little scary. Especially b/c I already had to ask her for money for my speeding ticket that I had to pay for last week too. I have money in the bank but I also have to pay Ashlen $350 by next Monday and with me being off Saturday and only working a night shift on Sunday I don't think it'll be do-able.

Just thinking about all of this stuff just stresses me out more the more that I think about it.

All this has just made me so exhausted and tired that I just want to lay down and sleep for days and also just cry my eyes out.

Frusterating...

First off I hate that I was stupid on Sunday night and f'ed up my tires and can't even drive my car right now till I get 2 new rims or tires. I was supposed to get them yesterday but that didn't happen, so now it might not be till tomorrow or Friday. I just hope it's soon b/c I hate not having a car to go anywhere and I have to ask other people for a ride to places and work too. It just sucks.

Also just guys in general are soooooooooo frusterating to me right now. It's like I know how one certain person does care about me but it's just frusterating that we can't actually be together and be a couple. It's just weird to me right now. It's all just a lot to take it these days. I'm just really confused...it sucks too.

Basically right now I'm just in this sucky mood these past 4 days. It's not fun at all to me. Bleeeeech.

How I Feel right now....

Ok so maybe that lyric just popped into my head but it's really not about that song that this entry is about. More like this is just how I feel right now about certain situations.

I mean I don't really get it and understand sometimes how in the world 2 people that are my friends can sit there all the time and just talk trash about someone that they consider to be their friend too. It's really really aggravting to me. The more and more I'm having to deal with it the more I can see where and why Eric gets so frustrated with having to deal with that.

I'm not the type of person that is going to tell them to stop because they titled to their oponions but when it's constant non stop bitching and giving Eric hell about shit it's really fucking annoying and aggravating. This is one reason why I can't stand to be around them as much as I used to because it's like they gang up on him and they want me to do the same but apparently they just can't really seem to actually get to know Eric deep down inside as a real person and understand he has feelings too. They constantly hurt his feelings and they do it b/c they know it will make him upset and then I'm the one that's there left to pick up the pieces and pick him back up.

Just doesn't make sense to me anymore at how much they don't really care to take his feelings into consideration and also possibly mine too b/c when they say that stuff to me it makes me feel like they're saying it in front of me just so maybe I'll realize it too. But see I'm not the type of person that they are and constantly talk shit about him and pick on him for no fucking reason.

Like when Eric was on vacation in Florida they were still making him feel horrible for being down there and on vacation with his family and him missing Ashlen's birthday. WHY...why would you do that to someone who is in a totally different state having a fun time with HIS FAMILY just to make him feel like shit. That night I sat up talking to him on the phone for almost a hour just to calm him down. It was hard because I didn't know exactly what to say to make him not be upset anymore, but I did know that talking to him calmed him down.

What sucks is when I do get frusterated with hearing all the shit and I can't talk to him about it, it really really aggravates me and makes me want to seclude myself in my room or leave the house and go do something with other people, or even go find Eric and hang out with him.

It's frustrating as hell, and honsetly it really is making me frustrated and I'm kind of maybe even considering moving out because I can't really take this constant shit talking about someone that I care about and who I thought that they cared about too.

But I guess we'll see...

*sigh*

So last night I got a call from Eric down in Florida b/c he was upset that Amity had told him that Ashlen was really upset that he didn't call her at midnight to tell her happy birthday. I sat up and talked to him to calm him down for almost a hour.

Well once I finally got him calmed down enough that he was able to go and get some sleep I passed out once I got off the phone and then woke up this morning to this text message from him that really just kind of smile.

"Thank you so much. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, tell Ashlen that I care about her b-day and that she is always in my heart. You to Amy. Always. Just PLEASE tell her that. Thank you for calming me down. Thank you for being there when I need you. PLEASE let her know that. Thank you so much Amy."

I don't know what but for some reason seeing that he said I'm always in his heart really meant something to me. Along with him thanking me for always being there for him when he needs me. I'm really glad that he finally has acknowledged that and told me that. It really put a smile on my face and made me tear up this morning. This is going to be something that I probably will not tell anyone else that he said to me b/c it really meant something to me.

A week apart...

So...he's gone till Saturday night. This is going to be one weird week for me, maybe it'll help us realize how we do need some time apart to see how we really do feel about each other. After I said goodbye last night and I was driving off I did cry not in front of him because I didn't want him to know how much I really am going to miss him.

It's going to be weird not having him around or close enough that if I need him he can be here for me at moments notice or someone to hang out with me if I need him to. He said he'd call once they got down there but he still hasn't called, I'm a little worried but not too much since I haven't really heard of any plane crashes or anything like that.

Kind of just makes me want to hang out with my girls or just someone else since he's gone, but I don't know who or what to do. I kind of wish that Lucas was moved into his new house this week, but he doesn't move in till Friday...and Eric gets back Saturday night.

Ah well hopefully he'll call sometime soon or at least one day while he's gone...I can go one or two days without talking to him but a week is just weird. We'll see....

I think I'm sick, with something but I don't know.

Ever since yesterday I've had this huge sinus headache and it's also making my neck hurt along with my back. I had a fever this morning b/c our AC was out and for some reason I had the chills really bad. Finally though a couple hours later I woke up in a sweat, I guess it was from not only my fever breaking but b/c the house was so hot.

Also you know it drives me crazy whenever people tell me one thing and then turn around and just do the opposite. It's one of my really big pet peeves. It just really upsets me when someone that I care about goes and does that to me, it makes me feel like what they told me was pure crap.

People that do that or are like that to me really makes want to vomit.

I feel like shit today.

Not really in like a bad way of feeling shitty but just that I'm super tired and I feel horrible for saying that I'd go somewhere today and then not going.

I am really confused with my life, I don't know what I'm doing anymore when I do things with him. It's like what I do with him and the way I feel about him is just something that in the back of my mind makes me question sooooo many other things going on in my life.

I want to be with him but there's soooooooooooo many reason's why we can't be together, and then there's that other part of me that wants to be with someone else too.

Life is just confusing to me right now and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Because I feel so shitty it's all I really feel like doing is laying in my bed and watching The OC season 4 dvd's. I can't really watch them in the living room b/c the dvd player in there is messed up. But I don't know what I'm going to do, all I know right now is that I am so confused I don't know what to do anymore.

It's just really frustrating.

It's just really aggravating and frustrating to me whenever I do go and do things like what I did last night. It's just it makes my feelings more and more confused and I know I shouldn't do it and it's my fault and my fault alone for what happenend(well it was his too) but I can't really blame him totally because it was also my bad too. It's like I know that I shouldn't do that anymore but when the time comes and I am feeling that something it just happens.

I think I'm just kind of ready for him to go to Houston next Wednesday and then I'll be gone the following Wednesday to San Antonio and then on the 13th he's going to Disney World for 5 days. I think what needs to happen is we need to spend some time away from each other and see what happens. I mean it's just I am happy that he's there for me and in my life but when we're always together every night it's good for every once in a while to be away from each other.

Abesence makes the heart grow fonder.....

But where is your heart?

I don't believe

In the smile that you leave

When you walk away

And say goodbye

Well I don't expect

The world to move underneath me

But for God's sake

Could you try?

I know that you're true to me

You're always there

You say you care

I know that you want to be mine

So lately it's just been really confusing to me about many things. It's like this pretty much, I want that someone there for me always and to love me for me. I know I have friends like that but it's different with a couple of them because I know they care about and will always be there for me but it's just that sometimes actions speak louder than words. With saying that it's like I don't know what to do about my feelings for these people, I'm just as confused on what I want from either of them.

What I'm really trying to say in the entry is that I'm very much torn on my feelings and don't know what to do anymore. There's about a million things and emotions going through my head that I can't figure out.

It sucks not having the satellite working.

Yeah it does suck b/c I'm bored out of my mind without. I'm doing some laundry right now but then I don't know what. I need to watch the Big Brother episode from last night online still and also go to the mall and find some new pants for work cause my favorite pair that I always wear are falling apart at the bottom. I also want to go to Best Buy, can't spend all my money though so I can have some for tonight.

Last night we(me, Eric, Julio and Rob) went to Fox & Hound and then after that we went over to Eric's house, well since we didn't go pick up Rob or Julio's car I knew that I wasn't going to be staying the night with Eric again, I kind of wanted to b/c I was really really tired and didn't really feel like driving home. But then once I did get home I thought maybe if I text him he'll tell me to come over, but he never wrote me back or called so whatever.

But when I did wake up this morning at like 9 to pee I saw I had a missed call, thought maybe he did call, but it was actually Lucas instead, it was around like 4 something so it was after he got off work I guess.

Anyways, the point of this entry was nothing really, I'm just bored. I guess now I'll go do some shopping.

I'm confusing as hell....

I don't know why it is but I'm even more confused then ever on things now. It's like I want to feel as certain way but when I do go and feel that I feel even more confused about how I should be.

I'm confusing as hell

I'm north and south

And I'll probably never have it all figured out

But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you

And I promise I'll try

Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me

Every single detail you missed with your eyes

Then maybe

Maybe, yeah maybe

I did listen to what he told me....he just doesn't believe me.

Last night after work Eric and I went out to this bar and then went over to our manager Tim's apartment. Well we went to go pick up Eric's roomate and our friend Jonathan and then we went over to Tim's. After we were there for like about a hour or so and everyone was busy playing a stupid video game and I didn't want to play.

So since I was in there and didn't really have anything to do but just sit there. I decided I'd call Lucas b/c I need to ask him something and also I just needed someone to talk to at the moment.

Well then when I came back upstairs from using the phone Tim said that they thought I had left and I said no I just went to use the phone for a few minutes b/c I needed to talk to Lucas for a few minutes.

Then about I'd say 30-45 minutes later while everyone was out on the porch I was inside just sitting there on this bar stool inside. Then Tim comes in and says that I looked like I was ready to leave, and in a way I was but I didn't want to make Eric and Jonathan leave just yet.

So then on the way home Eric kept asking me over and over again what was wrong and I told him nothing but he didn't believe me. Once we got back to his house and I was dropping him and Jonathan off he got out of the car and he kept saying to me that I should have said something to him when I was ready to leave and we would have left sooner.

He then went on and said that I apparently didn't listen to anything that he said to me 2 nights ago when we talked about how I need to start speaking up and saying things that are on my mind. What I guess he forgot was earlier when we came to pick up Jonathan and Eric was giving me a hard time and teasing me about how I kind of hit the curb I said to him to not do that because honsetly it hurts my feelings when I get made fun of for things and it keeps going on and on.

After he said that I didn't listen to what he said to me a couple nights ago I got upset because I did and if I really wanted to leave I would have said something but apparently and according to him I acted like I wanted to go and did that rather than say something to him. Which is a load of bullshit because I would have said something that I was ready to leave when I was damn good and ready to leave.

So after I tried to continue to argue with him and he got out of the car and went inside I went home and Ashlen wasn't there. I hate it whenever I am at home alone and I'm upset b/c I just feel really alone and I get kind of scared, especially in that big house when it's dark and at night. I told him I'd call him when I got home and I did after I got dressed and ready for bed.

When I called him I was hoping that maybe he'd talk to me a little more and let me explain myself some more. But nooooo he was too busy playing video games with Jonathan, so I just text him to tell him that I was home by myself and I didn't want to be.

After I guess I had fallen asleep for about a hour I heard my message alert go off and I look and it's Eric and him saying he wanted me to come over. So I got up and I went over there b/c I really didn't want to be there by myself anymore. I know I probably shouldn't have but I really just didn't want to want to be alone last night.

It's like this I agree that I do need to stick up more and say what's on my mind but a lot of the time I'm scared when I do as to how people will react. I think that's probably why Eric thought I didn't listen to him but I did and I totally understand why he said all that to me the other night.

I'm tired and scared of being alone and not heard is my main thing.

First blog

I decided to start a blog b/c a few weeks ago my roomate told me I should start writing again about what's going on inside my head. So since I pretty much don't really use greatest journal or live journal anymore I thought why not use this. I could use my blog on my myspace page but I just figured this would be kind of better.

Things have just been kind of crazy lately, I'm very very seriously torn and confused about many things. Especially my guy situation, like I thought I was over Eric but now as of lately I don't think I am, and I really was over him for a while. Or well at least that's what I told myself, but apparently not.

Heck just the other night even we had a talk about how we just need to be friends and nothing more, but do you know how many times that we have had that conversation....NUMEROUS and eventually we break it. I just really hope kind of that we can get past all this and see what happens.

I really do have like a million things going through my head but for now writing that down made me feel a little bit better. So I think this could possibly work for me.

You know what sucks right now though is that our sattilite is out and Ashlen said they can't get anyone out here till Wednesday. This blows and it's sooooooooooooooooooo freaking boring with no TV.