RIP

So I just found out today 2 guys that I went to high school with died last night in a motorcycle crash. They weren't wearing helments and were speeding, they missed a turn in the road and hit a curb.

It's so sad because this is just another death that has happened of people that I went to high school with in the past 2 years.

Just goes to show you that you never know when the last time you will see someone is.

I hate my job!

Gah I swear my managers at my job are really just f'n stupid. Why in the world would you put someone that comes in at 6:00 on a party that doesn't come in until 7:30?! Most likely knowing that is all I am going to have for the entire night. Well guess what they don't give two shits or care cause they sure screwed me tonight.

It's a Friday night and I ended up walking out of there making only $33. 33 MOTHER FREAKING DOLLARS ON A FRIDAY. When everyone else in the resturant tonight more than likely made plenty of more money than me and the person that was on the party with me.

The major thing that pisses me off the most about all of this is that from the time I got there at 6 till 7:30 when the party got there I helped everyone else out while they were busy. Like running food or cleaning up in the kitchen. I pretty much felt like a food runner tonight than a f'n server. And did management even give two shits...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Honestly it really doesn't motivate me to even want to go back to that place tomorrow and work. I really do hate the management staff that we have there now because they never really seem to care who they're screwing over. Especially me seeing as I've been at that place for almost 7 years....7 years don't mean shit to them I guess.

What pisses me off too is how the other servers there really don't care that I was helping them or running food for them or anything. It's like I just got shit on the entire night.
Eric didn't care that was in bad mood either. That's one more thing that just really pissed me off the most. He doesn't even care that I left tonight without saying goodbye or that I was in a bad mood. Doesn't care to ask what's wrong or try to comfort me...nooooooooooooooooo. I mean why would he?! Pft he might love and care about me but he has a pretty damn funny way of showing it and it really pisses me off.

Now tomorrow I promised his mom I'd be at his niece's birthday party so I've got to eventually make sure he's still going. Well I'm getting up semi-early(well early for me on a Saturday at least) to go get her a present, then I'll try to call him and make sure he's going so I can go pick him up.

Gahhhh it's times like these that I really wish I could have a f'n drink. Or hell even a guy that's stable and is there for me to vent to about all this.

What's sad is on my drive home I had my David Cook burned CD on full blast and that didn't help me really smile. Well ok it did a little but not much, that just shows how much I'm pissed off and in a bad mood.

"Notes in my drawers, songs in my pockets"

First off I have to say I LOVE that on OTH last night that they played my all time favorite Gavin DeGraw song "She Holds The Key". It's apparently going to be on his new album coming out in May so that makes me even more happy. When Rachel and I saw him live in Austin back in June of '05 I almost started crying when he sang it just cause we were so close and he's just so damn sexy.

Second thing I have to say lately I've actually been feeling really good with Eric. Like I don't know I just have these stronger feelings recently in the past few weeks. I guess just not spend every single day with him like I was doing just makes my heart want to be with him and I just have this happy feeling when I know I'm going to get to see him at work. I didn't work last night and I haven't seen him since Monday afternoon and I probably won't get to see him till tomorrow night at work but just the being away from him makes me long more for him...if that makes any sense. But I think y'all understand what I'm trying to say. Also he lost his cell phone on Sunday night so since he doesn't have his phone these nights that I don't see him we don't even get the chance to talk so that also is kind of one thing that makes me want to be with him or talk to him. One thing that does suck about it is that I just kind of still get a little jealous feeling cause I don't know what he's doing or who he's hanging out with(remember that Summer girl I mentioned in my last entry yeah ya know).

Third thing is that lately I'm just really relieing on music more like I used to be it's just making me feel much better lately about everything whenever I listen to my i-tunes. I don't know why but it just does it's like I feel that my i-tunes is just telling me a story about how I'm feeling, it's crazy.Ok well that was my rambling for now.

I don't know I'm ready for this yet.

Tonight I over heard my mom talking to someone about how if her boyfriend Joe gets this new job he had an interview for this week that most likely he's going to ask her to move out to Las Cruses, New Mexico with him.

I swear the moment that I heard that my heart just dropped and broke. I actually almost started to cry in the car on my way home because just the thought of it just really really breaks my heart. If it does happen then that really makes all of this seperation stuff for real. It really really scares me so much and a part of me wants him to get this job cause I know it will make my mom happy and him happy too but then there's that part of me that doesn't want him to get it because I don't want my mom to live that far away from me. I don't know what I would do without my mom close enough to me that she can be there in a heartbeat.

The only thing that kind of sucks about all of this is that he is supposed to find out on February 1st and I leave on February 2nd to go to Shrevport to see Kelly & Reba so it's like if she hasn't told me about it it's going to be on my mind the whole trip and I might not enjoy it as much.

All in all though I can't wait for the concert though b/c from what I've seen so far of this tour it just looks awesome. I know for sure there will be some tears shed on my part during the show. I guess actually it might be some threapy for me but if I find out that news before I leave it's going to just be on my mind and kind of sad the whole time. Oh well we'll see.

The moment I actually say it outloud and tell somebody about this I'm going to breakdown, and I'm not sure I'm ready for a breakdown right now when everything else has been going good for me with some other things right now.

Things just could work out.

Lately I've just been really thinking about how any other attention that I do get from a guy it's like I don't want it. Maybe it's because really and truely Eric does care about me and has real feelings for me. He's said to me numerous times here in the past few weeks that he does care and also seeing the way that he kind of gets jealous about if I hang out with another guy it's kind of showing me that maybe he does care. Only thing I just don't understand about him is how he can't admit that what we have is a relationship(well kind of) but it's just complicated. I think it's just the whole issue with him not having a car thing, but he's ready to push himself towards doing that this year. I know I've tried to but it's hard and he's stuborn sometimes that I can't push him to do something that he needs to actually push himself to do.

Once he does then I'm sure there will be a chance that we can actually make things work as a "couple". Or heck maybe even if one of us leaves Steak & Ale it could work cause then everyone won't always be up in our business and want to know what's going on. I don't know really but I do know this...we've been doing this back and forth thing now for 2 1/2 years and in a way we have grown closer and stronger. So it's possible to make it actually work out.

New Year....new outlook.

Well now that it's a new year I think I should have a new outlook on things and try to change some things. It's going to be really hard, especially since most likely I'm going to have to go and look for a job that I can have during the day since I can't enroll for classes this semester due to the fact that I am on academic suspension for a semester because I didn't pass my two classes last semester. I was just lazy last semester and didn't go to class as much as I should and study hard enough for the tests. The only thing about trying to find a job during the day is that I have no freaking clue as to what I could even get a job in doing M-F and then still be able to work at Steak & Ale during the night.

Other than the whole school thing is that I just really am kind of hoping the whole thing with Eric eventually will some what kind of work out a little bit better here this year. But who knows on that, we will just have to see how that all works out because it's really not in my hands as to how it works out, it's on him really. He's the one that needs to get his shit together and realize what is right in front of him is what could be good for him. More recently though he in a way has been kind of showing that maybe he truely does care a lot about me and wants to be with me cause he's gone and said things to me that in a way are like he's jealous about other guys. When in all honesty he damn well knows he has nothing to be jealous about....and ya know it's not like I go to him being all jealous about other girls to him cause I know that I don't have anything to be jealous about. So it's just confusing to me as to why in the world all of a sudden he would be acting so jealous about me hanging out with other guys anyways.

Living at home with the 'rents is still kind of stressful to me, and I know when I tell them that I can't take classes this semester it will be because they will want me to have something to do during the day rather than do nothing and sleep or sit around the house all day.

But yeah anyways it's time that this year I have a new outlook on things and even make some big changes in my life as in a job, place to live and my love life.

It's just all jumbled.

Life has been so insanely crazy lately it's not even funny. Had to move back in(well somewhat moved) with my parents cause well Ashlen and I had a falling out issue. That just was crazy and stressful on me just cause it was emotionally straining on everything, mostly because at first I felt so beyond betrayed by Eric.

Finally once he and I talked about things he was great and was there for me to talk to about it which I was really greatful for because for once I leaned on him for something. We both kind of realized in the past few weeks how thankful and greatful we are for one another which kind of made me a little bit happier.

But I mean things aren't like PERFECT between us though because sometimes there's those stupid fights we get into because I'll be stuborn about things that he says to me and I know he's right but I don't really want to admit that he is. It's just I hate admitting to him though that things he says to me are right because there's a part of me that doesn't want him to be right one things about me, but I guess maybe it's good that he does notice things that I need to work on and point them out to me or else I'm just going to keep on doing them and not fix it.

I just have sooo many thoughts going through my head about things that I really just feel like letting it all out by crying but I'm afraid that if I do I won't stop and it scares me. There's that part of me though that wants to let it all out to someone else but really I don't even feel like I can or have someone that I can do that to.

There are times when I feel that everything is great but the moment that I think that there's something that gets thrown in and makes me re-think everything and even more confused about things.

Honestly life is just seeming more confusing as the days go by, more so than I hope and hope though that some how something good is going to become of all this and I'll be happy(and not the fake happy like I put on now a days).

I just wish that guys weren't so complicated.....