I don't know I'm ready for this yet.

Tonight I over heard my mom talking to someone about how if her boyfriend Joe gets this new job he had an interview for this week that most likely he's going to ask her to move out to Las Cruses, New Mexico with him.

I swear the moment that I heard that my heart just dropped and broke. I actually almost started to cry in the car on my way home because just the thought of it just really really breaks my heart. If it does happen then that really makes all of this seperation stuff for real. It really really scares me so much and a part of me wants him to get this job cause I know it will make my mom happy and him happy too but then there's that part of me that doesn't want him to get it because I don't want my mom to live that far away from me. I don't know what I would do without my mom close enough to me that she can be there in a heartbeat.

The only thing that kind of sucks about all of this is that he is supposed to find out on February 1st and I leave on February 2nd to go to Shrevport to see Kelly & Reba so it's like if she hasn't told me about it it's going to be on my mind the whole trip and I might not enjoy it as much.

All in all though I can't wait for the concert though b/c from what I've seen so far of this tour it just looks awesome. I know for sure there will be some tears shed on my part during the show. I guess actually it might be some threapy for me but if I find out that news before I leave it's going to just be on my mind and kind of sad the whole time. Oh well we'll see.

The moment I actually say it outloud and tell somebody about this I'm going to breakdown, and I'm not sure I'm ready for a breakdown right now when everything else has been going good for me with some other things right now.

Things just could work out.

Lately I've just been really thinking about how any other attention that I do get from a guy it's like I don't want it. Maybe it's because really and truely Eric does care about me and has real feelings for me. He's said to me numerous times here in the past few weeks that he does care and also seeing the way that he kind of gets jealous about if I hang out with another guy it's kind of showing me that maybe he does care. Only thing I just don't understand about him is how he can't admit that what we have is a relationship(well kind of) but it's just complicated. I think it's just the whole issue with him not having a car thing, but he's ready to push himself towards doing that this year. I know I've tried to but it's hard and he's stuborn sometimes that I can't push him to do something that he needs to actually push himself to do.

Once he does then I'm sure there will be a chance that we can actually make things work as a "couple". Or heck maybe even if one of us leaves Steak & Ale it could work cause then everyone won't always be up in our business and want to know what's going on. I don't know really but I do know this...we've been doing this back and forth thing now for 2 1/2 years and in a way we have grown closer and stronger. So it's possible to make it actually work out.

New Year....new outlook.

Well now that it's a new year I think I should have a new outlook on things and try to change some things. It's going to be really hard, especially since most likely I'm going to have to go and look for a job that I can have during the day since I can't enroll for classes this semester due to the fact that I am on academic suspension for a semester because I didn't pass my two classes last semester. I was just lazy last semester and didn't go to class as much as I should and study hard enough for the tests. The only thing about trying to find a job during the day is that I have no freaking clue as to what I could even get a job in doing M-F and then still be able to work at Steak & Ale during the night.

Other than the whole school thing is that I just really am kind of hoping the whole thing with Eric eventually will some what kind of work out a little bit better here this year. But who knows on that, we will just have to see how that all works out because it's really not in my hands as to how it works out, it's on him really. He's the one that needs to get his shit together and realize what is right in front of him is what could be good for him. More recently though he in a way has been kind of showing that maybe he truely does care a lot about me and wants to be with me cause he's gone and said things to me that in a way are like he's jealous about other guys. When in all honesty he damn well knows he has nothing to be jealous about....and ya know it's not like I go to him being all jealous about other girls to him cause I know that I don't have anything to be jealous about. So it's just confusing to me as to why in the world all of a sudden he would be acting so jealous about me hanging out with other guys anyways.

Living at home with the 'rents is still kind of stressful to me, and I know when I tell them that I can't take classes this semester it will be because they will want me to have something to do during the day rather than do nothing and sleep or sit around the house all day.

But yeah anyways it's time that this year I have a new outlook on things and even make some big changes in my life as in a job, place to live and my love life.