I feel like shit today.

Not really in like a bad way of feeling shitty but just that I'm super tired and I feel horrible for saying that I'd go somewhere today and then not going.

I am really confused with my life, I don't know what I'm doing anymore when I do things with him. It's like what I do with him and the way I feel about him is just something that in the back of my mind makes me question sooooo many other things going on in my life.

I want to be with him but there's soooooooooooo many reason's why we can't be together, and then there's that other part of me that wants to be with someone else too.

Life is just confusing to me right now and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Because I feel so shitty it's all I really feel like doing is laying in my bed and watching The OC season 4 dvd's. I can't really watch them in the living room b/c the dvd player in there is messed up. But I don't know what I'm going to do, all I know right now is that I am so confused I don't know what to do anymore.

It's just really frustrating.

It's just really aggravating and frustrating to me whenever I do go and do things like what I did last night. It's just it makes my feelings more and more confused and I know I shouldn't do it and it's my fault and my fault alone for what happenend(well it was his too) but I can't really blame him totally because it was also my bad too. It's like I know that I shouldn't do that anymore but when the time comes and I am feeling that something it just happens.

I think I'm just kind of ready for him to go to Houston next Wednesday and then I'll be gone the following Wednesday to San Antonio and then on the 13th he's going to Disney World for 5 days. I think what needs to happen is we need to spend some time away from each other and see what happens. I mean it's just I am happy that he's there for me and in my life but when we're always together every night it's good for every once in a while to be away from each other.

Abesence makes the heart grow fonder.....

But where is your heart?

I don't believe

In the smile that you leave

When you walk away

And say goodbye

Well I don't expect

The world to move underneath me

But for God's sake

Could you try?

I know that you're true to me

You're always there

You say you care

I know that you want to be mine

So lately it's just been really confusing to me about many things. It's like this pretty much, I want that someone there for me always and to love me for me. I know I have friends like that but it's different with a couple of them because I know they care about and will always be there for me but it's just that sometimes actions speak louder than words. With saying that it's like I don't know what to do about my feelings for these people, I'm just as confused on what I want from either of them.

What I'm really trying to say in the entry is that I'm very much torn on my feelings and don't know what to do anymore. There's about a million things and emotions going through my head that I can't figure out.

It sucks not having the satellite working.

Yeah it does suck b/c I'm bored out of my mind without. I'm doing some laundry right now but then I don't know what. I need to watch the Big Brother episode from last night online still and also go to the mall and find some new pants for work cause my favorite pair that I always wear are falling apart at the bottom. I also want to go to Best Buy, can't spend all my money though so I can have some for tonight.

Last night we(me, Eric, Julio and Rob) went to Fox & Hound and then after that we went over to Eric's house, well since we didn't go pick up Rob or Julio's car I knew that I wasn't going to be staying the night with Eric again, I kind of wanted to b/c I was really really tired and didn't really feel like driving home. But then once I did get home I thought maybe if I text him he'll tell me to come over, but he never wrote me back or called so whatever.

But when I did wake up this morning at like 9 to pee I saw I had a missed call, thought maybe he did call, but it was actually Lucas instead, it was around like 4 something so it was after he got off work I guess.

Anyways, the point of this entry was nothing really, I'm just bored. I guess now I'll go do some shopping.

I'm confusing as hell....

I don't know why it is but I'm even more confused then ever on things now. It's like I want to feel as certain way but when I do go and feel that I feel even more confused about how I should be.

I'm confusing as hell

I'm north and south

And I'll probably never have it all figured out

But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you

And I promise I'll try

Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me

Every single detail you missed with your eyes

Then maybe

Maybe, yeah maybe

I did listen to what he told me....he just doesn't believe me.

Last night after work Eric and I went out to this bar and then went over to our manager Tim's apartment. Well we went to go pick up Eric's roomate and our friend Jonathan and then we went over to Tim's. After we were there for like about a hour or so and everyone was busy playing a stupid video game and I didn't want to play.

So since I was in there and didn't really have anything to do but just sit there. I decided I'd call Lucas b/c I need to ask him something and also I just needed someone to talk to at the moment.

Well then when I came back upstairs from using the phone Tim said that they thought I had left and I said no I just went to use the phone for a few minutes b/c I needed to talk to Lucas for a few minutes.

Then about I'd say 30-45 minutes later while everyone was out on the porch I was inside just sitting there on this bar stool inside. Then Tim comes in and says that I looked like I was ready to leave, and in a way I was but I didn't want to make Eric and Jonathan leave just yet.

So then on the way home Eric kept asking me over and over again what was wrong and I told him nothing but he didn't believe me. Once we got back to his house and I was dropping him and Jonathan off he got out of the car and he kept saying to me that I should have said something to him when I was ready to leave and we would have left sooner.

He then went on and said that I apparently didn't listen to anything that he said to me 2 nights ago when we talked about how I need to start speaking up and saying things that are on my mind. What I guess he forgot was earlier when we came to pick up Jonathan and Eric was giving me a hard time and teasing me about how I kind of hit the curb I said to him to not do that because honsetly it hurts my feelings when I get made fun of for things and it keeps going on and on.

After he said that I didn't listen to what he said to me a couple nights ago I got upset because I did and if I really wanted to leave I would have said something but apparently and according to him I acted like I wanted to go and did that rather than say something to him. Which is a load of bullshit because I would have said something that I was ready to leave when I was damn good and ready to leave.

So after I tried to continue to argue with him and he got out of the car and went inside I went home and Ashlen wasn't there. I hate it whenever I am at home alone and I'm upset b/c I just feel really alone and I get kind of scared, especially in that big house when it's dark and at night. I told him I'd call him when I got home and I did after I got dressed and ready for bed.

When I called him I was hoping that maybe he'd talk to me a little more and let me explain myself some more. But nooooo he was too busy playing video games with Jonathan, so I just text him to tell him that I was home by myself and I didn't want to be.

After I guess I had fallen asleep for about a hour I heard my message alert go off and I look and it's Eric and him saying he wanted me to come over. So I got up and I went over there b/c I really didn't want to be there by myself anymore. I know I probably shouldn't have but I really just didn't want to want to be alone last night.

It's like this I agree that I do need to stick up more and say what's on my mind but a lot of the time I'm scared when I do as to how people will react. I think that's probably why Eric thought I didn't listen to him but I did and I totally understand why he said all that to me the other night.

I'm tired and scared of being alone and not heard is my main thing.

First blog

I decided to start a blog b/c a few weeks ago my roomate told me I should start writing again about what's going on inside my head. So since I pretty much don't really use greatest journal or live journal anymore I thought why not use this. I could use my blog on my myspace page but I just figured this would be kind of better.

Things have just been kind of crazy lately, I'm very very seriously torn and confused about many things. Especially my guy situation, like I thought I was over Eric but now as of lately I don't think I am, and I really was over him for a while. Or well at least that's what I told myself, but apparently not.

Heck just the other night even we had a talk about how we just need to be friends and nothing more, but do you know how many times that we have had that conversation....NUMEROUS and eventually we break it. I just really hope kind of that we can get past all this and see what happens.

I really do have like a million things going through my head but for now writing that down made me feel a little bit better. So I think this could possibly work for me.

You know what sucks right now though is that our sattilite is out and Ashlen said they can't get anyone out here till Wednesday. This blows and it's sooooooooooooooooooo freaking boring with no TV.