I don't know I'm ready for this yet.

Tonight I over heard my mom talking to someone about how if her boyfriend Joe gets this new job he had an interview for this week that most likely he's going to ask her to move out to Las Cruses, New Mexico with him.

I swear the moment that I heard that my heart just dropped and broke. I actually almost started to cry in the car on my way home because just the thought of it just really really breaks my heart. If it does happen then that really makes all of this seperation stuff for real. It really really scares me so much and a part of me wants him to get this job cause I know it will make my mom happy and him happy too but then there's that part of me that doesn't want him to get it because I don't want my mom to live that far away from me. I don't know what I would do without my mom close enough to me that she can be there in a heartbeat.

The only thing that kind of sucks about all of this is that he is supposed to find out on February 1st and I leave on February 2nd to go to Shrevport to see Kelly & Reba so it's like if she hasn't told me about it it's going to be on my mind the whole trip and I might not enjoy it as much.

All in all though I can't wait for the concert though b/c from what I've seen so far of this tour it just looks awesome. I know for sure there will be some tears shed on my part during the show. I guess actually it might be some threapy for me but if I find out that news before I leave it's going to just be on my mind and kind of sad the whole time. Oh well we'll see.

The moment I actually say it outloud and tell somebody about this I'm going to breakdown, and I'm not sure I'm ready for a breakdown right now when everything else has been going good for me with some other things right now.

Things just could work out.

Lately I've just been really thinking about how any other attention that I do get from a guy it's like I don't want it. Maybe it's because really and truely Eric does care about me and has real feelings for me. He's said to me numerous times here in the past few weeks that he does care and also seeing the way that he kind of gets jealous about if I hang out with another guy it's kind of showing me that maybe he does care. Only thing I just don't understand about him is how he can't admit that what we have is a relationship(well kind of) but it's just complicated. I think it's just the whole issue with him not having a car thing, but he's ready to push himself towards doing that this year. I know I've tried to but it's hard and he's stuborn sometimes that I can't push him to do something that he needs to actually push himself to do.

Once he does then I'm sure there will be a chance that we can actually make things work as a "couple". Or heck maybe even if one of us leaves Steak & Ale it could work cause then everyone won't always be up in our business and want to know what's going on. I don't know really but I do know this...we've been doing this back and forth thing now for 2 1/2 years and in a way we have grown closer and stronger. So it's possible to make it actually work out.

New Year....new outlook.

Well now that it's a new year I think I should have a new outlook on things and try to change some things. It's going to be really hard, especially since most likely I'm going to have to go and look for a job that I can have during the day since I can't enroll for classes this semester due to the fact that I am on academic suspension for a semester because I didn't pass my two classes last semester. I was just lazy last semester and didn't go to class as much as I should and study hard enough for the tests. The only thing about trying to find a job during the day is that I have no freaking clue as to what I could even get a job in doing M-F and then still be able to work at Steak & Ale during the night.

Other than the whole school thing is that I just really am kind of hoping the whole thing with Eric eventually will some what kind of work out a little bit better here this year. But who knows on that, we will just have to see how that all works out because it's really not in my hands as to how it works out, it's on him really. He's the one that needs to get his shit together and realize what is right in front of him is what could be good for him. More recently though he in a way has been kind of showing that maybe he truely does care a lot about me and wants to be with me cause he's gone and said things to me that in a way are like he's jealous about other guys. When in all honesty he damn well knows he has nothing to be jealous about....and ya know it's not like I go to him being all jealous about other girls to him cause I know that I don't have anything to be jealous about. So it's just confusing to me as to why in the world all of a sudden he would be acting so jealous about me hanging out with other guys anyways.

Living at home with the 'rents is still kind of stressful to me, and I know when I tell them that I can't take classes this semester it will be because they will want me to have something to do during the day rather than do nothing and sleep or sit around the house all day.

But yeah anyways it's time that this year I have a new outlook on things and even make some big changes in my life as in a job, place to live and my love life.

It's just all jumbled.

Life has been so insanely crazy lately it's not even funny. Had to move back in(well somewhat moved) with my parents cause well Ashlen and I had a falling out issue. That just was crazy and stressful on me just cause it was emotionally straining on everything, mostly because at first I felt so beyond betrayed by Eric.

Finally once he and I talked about things he was great and was there for me to talk to about it which I was really greatful for because for once I leaned on him for something. We both kind of realized in the past few weeks how thankful and greatful we are for one another which kind of made me a little bit happier.

But I mean things aren't like PERFECT between us though because sometimes there's those stupid fights we get into because I'll be stuborn about things that he says to me and I know he's right but I don't really want to admit that he is. It's just I hate admitting to him though that things he says to me are right because there's a part of me that doesn't want him to be right one things about me, but I guess maybe it's good that he does notice things that I need to work on and point them out to me or else I'm just going to keep on doing them and not fix it.

I just have sooo many thoughts going through my head about things that I really just feel like letting it all out by crying but I'm afraid that if I do I won't stop and it scares me. There's that part of me though that wants to let it all out to someone else but really I don't even feel like I can or have someone that I can do that to.

There are times when I feel that everything is great but the moment that I think that there's something that gets thrown in and makes me re-think everything and even more confused about things.

Honestly life is just seeming more confusing as the days go by, more so than I hope and hope though that some how something good is going to become of all this and I'll be happy(and not the fake happy like I put on now a days).

I just wish that guys weren't so complicated.....

Exhausted....

I'm just so completley drained and exhausted from everything these past couple weeks. Last week at work just kicked my ass and not only am I tired from that just emotionally lately I've been so drained. It's just kind of hard and frustrating dealing with things and being so tired from work it all just has built up more a lot lately this past week.

I made good money this week but ugh I'm scared that today and tomorrow the money I won't make isn't going to be enough to help me out with my trip to San Antonio this weekend. Thinking about asking my mom for money to help me out with it is a little scary. Especially b/c I already had to ask her for money for my speeding ticket that I had to pay for last week too. I have money in the bank but I also have to pay Ashlen $350 by next Monday and with me being off Saturday and only working a night shift on Sunday I don't think it'll be do-able.

Just thinking about all of this stuff just stresses me out more the more that I think about it.

All this has just made me so exhausted and tired that I just want to lay down and sleep for days and also just cry my eyes out.

Frusterating...

First off I hate that I was stupid on Sunday night and f'ed up my tires and can't even drive my car right now till I get 2 new rims or tires. I was supposed to get them yesterday but that didn't happen, so now it might not be till tomorrow or Friday. I just hope it's soon b/c I hate not having a car to go anywhere and I have to ask other people for a ride to places and work too. It just sucks.

Also just guys in general are soooooooooo frusterating to me right now. It's like I know how one certain person does care about me but it's just frusterating that we can't actually be together and be a couple. It's just weird to me right now. It's all just a lot to take it these days. I'm just really confused...it sucks too.

Basically right now I'm just in this sucky mood these past 4 days. It's not fun at all to me. Bleeeeech.

How I Feel right now....

Ok so maybe that lyric just popped into my head but it's really not about that song that this entry is about. More like this is just how I feel right now about certain situations.

I mean I don't really get it and understand sometimes how in the world 2 people that are my friends can sit there all the time and just talk trash about someone that they consider to be their friend too. It's really really aggravting to me. The more and more I'm having to deal with it the more I can see where and why Eric gets so frustrated with having to deal with that.

I'm not the type of person that is going to tell them to stop because they titled to their oponions but when it's constant non stop bitching and giving Eric hell about shit it's really fucking annoying and aggravating. This is one reason why I can't stand to be around them as much as I used to because it's like they gang up on him and they want me to do the same but apparently they just can't really seem to actually get to know Eric deep down inside as a real person and understand he has feelings too. They constantly hurt his feelings and they do it b/c they know it will make him upset and then I'm the one that's there left to pick up the pieces and pick him back up.

Just doesn't make sense to me anymore at how much they don't really care to take his feelings into consideration and also possibly mine too b/c when they say that stuff to me it makes me feel like they're saying it in front of me just so maybe I'll realize it too. But see I'm not the type of person that they are and constantly talk shit about him and pick on him for no fucking reason.

Like when Eric was on vacation in Florida they were still making him feel horrible for being down there and on vacation with his family and him missing Ashlen's birthday. WHY...why would you do that to someone who is in a totally different state having a fun time with HIS FAMILY just to make him feel like shit. That night I sat up talking to him on the phone for almost a hour just to calm him down. It was hard because I didn't know exactly what to say to make him not be upset anymore, but I did know that talking to him calmed him down.

What sucks is when I do get frusterated with hearing all the shit and I can't talk to him about it, it really really aggravates me and makes me want to seclude myself in my room or leave the house and go do something with other people, or even go find Eric and hang out with him.

It's frustrating as hell, and honsetly it really is making me frustrated and I'm kind of maybe even considering moving out because I can't really take this constant shit talking about someone that I care about and who I thought that they cared about too.

But I guess we'll see...