How I Feel right now....

Ok so maybe that lyric just popped into my head but it's really not about that song that this entry is about. More like this is just how I feel right now about certain situations.

I mean I don't really get it and understand sometimes how in the world 2 people that are my friends can sit there all the time and just talk trash about someone that they consider to be their friend too. It's really really aggravting to me. The more and more I'm having to deal with it the more I can see where and why Eric gets so frustrated with having to deal with that.

I'm not the type of person that is going to tell them to stop because they titled to their oponions but when it's constant non stop bitching and giving Eric hell about shit it's really fucking annoying and aggravating. This is one reason why I can't stand to be around them as much as I used to because it's like they gang up on him and they want me to do the same but apparently they just can't really seem to actually get to know Eric deep down inside as a real person and understand he has feelings too. They constantly hurt his feelings and they do it b/c they know it will make him upset and then I'm the one that's there left to pick up the pieces and pick him back up.

Just doesn't make sense to me anymore at how much they don't really care to take his feelings into consideration and also possibly mine too b/c when they say that stuff to me it makes me feel like they're saying it in front of me just so maybe I'll realize it too. But see I'm not the type of person that they are and constantly talk shit about him and pick on him for no fucking reason.

Like when Eric was on vacation in Florida they were still making him feel horrible for being down there and on vacation with his family and him missing Ashlen's birthday. WHY...why would you do that to someone who is in a totally different state having a fun time with HIS FAMILY just to make him feel like shit. That night I sat up talking to him on the phone for almost a hour just to calm him down. It was hard because I didn't know exactly what to say to make him not be upset anymore, but I did know that talking to him calmed him down.

What sucks is when I do get frusterated with hearing all the shit and I can't talk to him about it, it really really aggravates me and makes me want to seclude myself in my room or leave the house and go do something with other people, or even go find Eric and hang out with him.

It's frustrating as hell, and honsetly it really is making me frustrated and I'm kind of maybe even considering moving out because I can't really take this constant shit talking about someone that I care about and who I thought that they cared about too.

But I guess we'll see...

*sigh*

So last night I got a call from Eric down in Florida b/c he was upset that Amity had told him that Ashlen was really upset that he didn't call her at midnight to tell her happy birthday. I sat up and talked to him to calm him down for almost a hour.

Well once I finally got him calmed down enough that he was able to go and get some sleep I passed out once I got off the phone and then woke up this morning to this text message from him that really just kind of smile.

"Thank you so much. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, tell Ashlen that I care about her b-day and that she is always in my heart. You to Amy. Always. Just PLEASE tell her that. Thank you for calming me down. Thank you for being there when I need you. PLEASE let her know that. Thank you so much Amy."

I don't know what but for some reason seeing that he said I'm always in his heart really meant something to me. Along with him thanking me for always being there for him when he needs me. I'm really glad that he finally has acknowledged that and told me that. It really put a smile on my face and made me tear up this morning. This is going to be something that I probably will not tell anyone else that he said to me b/c it really meant something to me.

A week apart...

So...he's gone till Saturday night. This is going to be one weird week for me, maybe it'll help us realize how we do need some time apart to see how we really do feel about each other. After I said goodbye last night and I was driving off I did cry not in front of him because I didn't want him to know how much I really am going to miss him.

It's going to be weird not having him around or close enough that if I need him he can be here for me at moments notice or someone to hang out with me if I need him to. He said he'd call once they got down there but he still hasn't called, I'm a little worried but not too much since I haven't really heard of any plane crashes or anything like that.

Kind of just makes me want to hang out with my girls or just someone else since he's gone, but I don't know who or what to do. I kind of wish that Lucas was moved into his new house this week, but he doesn't move in till Friday...and Eric gets back Saturday night.

Ah well hopefully he'll call sometime soon or at least one day while he's gone...I can go one or two days without talking to him but a week is just weird. We'll see....

I think I'm sick, with something but I don't know.

Ever since yesterday I've had this huge sinus headache and it's also making my neck hurt along with my back. I had a fever this morning b/c our AC was out and for some reason I had the chills really bad. Finally though a couple hours later I woke up in a sweat, I guess it was from not only my fever breaking but b/c the house was so hot.

Also you know it drives me crazy whenever people tell me one thing and then turn around and just do the opposite. It's one of my really big pet peeves. It just really upsets me when someone that I care about goes and does that to me, it makes me feel like what they told me was pure crap.

People that do that or are like that to me really makes want to vomit.

I feel like shit today.

Not really in like a bad way of feeling shitty but just that I'm super tired and I feel horrible for saying that I'd go somewhere today and then not going.

I am really confused with my life, I don't know what I'm doing anymore when I do things with him. It's like what I do with him and the way I feel about him is just something that in the back of my mind makes me question sooooo many other things going on in my life.

I want to be with him but there's soooooooooooo many reason's why we can't be together, and then there's that other part of me that wants to be with someone else too.

Life is just confusing to me right now and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Because I feel so shitty it's all I really feel like doing is laying in my bed and watching The OC season 4 dvd's. I can't really watch them in the living room b/c the dvd player in there is messed up. But I don't know what I'm going to do, all I know right now is that I am so confused I don't know what to do anymore.

It's just really frustrating.

It's just really aggravating and frustrating to me whenever I do go and do things like what I did last night. It's just it makes my feelings more and more confused and I know I shouldn't do it and it's my fault and my fault alone for what happenend(well it was his too) but I can't really blame him totally because it was also my bad too. It's like I know that I shouldn't do that anymore but when the time comes and I am feeling that something it just happens.

I think I'm just kind of ready for him to go to Houston next Wednesday and then I'll be gone the following Wednesday to San Antonio and then on the 13th he's going to Disney World for 5 days. I think what needs to happen is we need to spend some time away from each other and see what happens. I mean it's just I am happy that he's there for me and in my life but when we're always together every night it's good for every once in a while to be away from each other.

Abesence makes the heart grow fonder.....

But where is your heart?

I don't believe

In the smile that you leave

When you walk away

And say goodbye

Well I don't expect

The world to move underneath me

But for God's sake

Could you try?

I know that you're true to me

You're always there

You say you care

I know that you want to be mine

So lately it's just been really confusing to me about many things. It's like this pretty much, I want that someone there for me always and to love me for me. I know I have friends like that but it's different with a couple of them because I know they care about and will always be there for me but it's just that sometimes actions speak louder than words. With saying that it's like I don't know what to do about my feelings for these people, I'm just as confused on what I want from either of them.

What I'm really trying to say in the entry is that I'm very much torn on my feelings and don't know what to do anymore. There's about a million things and emotions going through my head that I can't figure out.