It's just all jumbled.

Life has been so insanely crazy lately it's not even funny. Had to move back in(well somewhat moved) with my parents cause well Ashlen and I had a falling out issue. That just was crazy and stressful on me just cause it was emotionally straining on everything, mostly because at first I felt so beyond betrayed by Eric.

Finally once he and I talked about things he was great and was there for me to talk to about it which I was really greatful for because for once I leaned on him for something. We both kind of realized in the past few weeks how thankful and greatful we are for one another which kind of made me a little bit happier.

But I mean things aren't like PERFECT between us though because sometimes there's those stupid fights we get into because I'll be stuborn about things that he says to me and I know he's right but I don't really want to admit that he is. It's just I hate admitting to him though that things he says to me are right because there's a part of me that doesn't want him to be right one things about me, but I guess maybe it's good that he does notice things that I need to work on and point them out to me or else I'm just going to keep on doing them and not fix it.

I just have sooo many thoughts going through my head about things that I really just feel like letting it all out by crying but I'm afraid that if I do I won't stop and it scares me. There's that part of me though that wants to let it all out to someone else but really I don't even feel like I can or have someone that I can do that to.

There are times when I feel that everything is great but the moment that I think that there's something that gets thrown in and makes me re-think everything and even more confused about things.

Honestly life is just seeming more confusing as the days go by, more so than I hope and hope though that some how something good is going to become of all this and I'll be happy(and not the fake happy like I put on now a days).

I just wish that guys weren't so complicated.....

Exhausted....

I'm just so completley drained and exhausted from everything these past couple weeks. Last week at work just kicked my ass and not only am I tired from that just emotionally lately I've been so drained. It's just kind of hard and frustrating dealing with things and being so tired from work it all just has built up more a lot lately this past week.

I made good money this week but ugh I'm scared that today and tomorrow the money I won't make isn't going to be enough to help me out with my trip to San Antonio this weekend. Thinking about asking my mom for money to help me out with it is a little scary. Especially b/c I already had to ask her for money for my speeding ticket that I had to pay for last week too. I have money in the bank but I also have to pay Ashlen $350 by next Monday and with me being off Saturday and only working a night shift on Sunday I don't think it'll be do-able.

Just thinking about all of this stuff just stresses me out more the more that I think about it.

All this has just made me so exhausted and tired that I just want to lay down and sleep for days and also just cry my eyes out.

Frusterating...

First off I hate that I was stupid on Sunday night and f'ed up my tires and can't even drive my car right now till I get 2 new rims or tires. I was supposed to get them yesterday but that didn't happen, so now it might not be till tomorrow or Friday. I just hope it's soon b/c I hate not having a car to go anywhere and I have to ask other people for a ride to places and work too. It just sucks.

Also just guys in general are soooooooooo frusterating to me right now. It's like I know how one certain person does care about me but it's just frusterating that we can't actually be together and be a couple. It's just weird to me right now. It's all just a lot to take it these days. I'm just really confused...it sucks too.

Basically right now I'm just in this sucky mood these past 4 days. It's not fun at all to me. Bleeeeech.

How I Feel right now....

Ok so maybe that lyric just popped into my head but it's really not about that song that this entry is about. More like this is just how I feel right now about certain situations.

I mean I don't really get it and understand sometimes how in the world 2 people that are my friends can sit there all the time and just talk trash about someone that they consider to be their friend too. It's really really aggravting to me. The more and more I'm having to deal with it the more I can see where and why Eric gets so frustrated with having to deal with that.

I'm not the type of person that is going to tell them to stop because they titled to their oponions but when it's constant non stop bitching and giving Eric hell about shit it's really fucking annoying and aggravating. This is one reason why I can't stand to be around them as much as I used to because it's like they gang up on him and they want me to do the same but apparently they just can't really seem to actually get to know Eric deep down inside as a real person and understand he has feelings too. They constantly hurt his feelings and they do it b/c they know it will make him upset and then I'm the one that's there left to pick up the pieces and pick him back up.

Just doesn't make sense to me anymore at how much they don't really care to take his feelings into consideration and also possibly mine too b/c when they say that stuff to me it makes me feel like they're saying it in front of me just so maybe I'll realize it too. But see I'm not the type of person that they are and constantly talk shit about him and pick on him for no fucking reason.

Like when Eric was on vacation in Florida they were still making him feel horrible for being down there and on vacation with his family and him missing Ashlen's birthday. WHY...why would you do that to someone who is in a totally different state having a fun time with HIS FAMILY just to make him feel like shit. That night I sat up talking to him on the phone for almost a hour just to calm him down. It was hard because I didn't know exactly what to say to make him not be upset anymore, but I did know that talking to him calmed him down.

What sucks is when I do get frusterated with hearing all the shit and I can't talk to him about it, it really really aggravates me and makes me want to seclude myself in my room or leave the house and go do something with other people, or even go find Eric and hang out with him.

It's frustrating as hell, and honsetly it really is making me frustrated and I'm kind of maybe even considering moving out because I can't really take this constant shit talking about someone that I care about and who I thought that they cared about too.

But I guess we'll see...

*sigh*

So last night I got a call from Eric down in Florida b/c he was upset that Amity had told him that Ashlen was really upset that he didn't call her at midnight to tell her happy birthday. I sat up and talked to him to calm him down for almost a hour.

Well once I finally got him calmed down enough that he was able to go and get some sleep I passed out once I got off the phone and then woke up this morning to this text message from him that really just kind of smile.

"Thank you so much. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, tell Ashlen that I care about her b-day and that she is always in my heart. You to Amy. Always. Just PLEASE tell her that. Thank you for calming me down. Thank you for being there when I need you. PLEASE let her know that. Thank you so much Amy."

I don't know what but for some reason seeing that he said I'm always in his heart really meant something to me. Along with him thanking me for always being there for him when he needs me. I'm really glad that he finally has acknowledged that and told me that. It really put a smile on my face and made me tear up this morning. This is going to be something that I probably will not tell anyone else that he said to me b/c it really meant something to me.

A week apart...

So...he's gone till Saturday night. This is going to be one weird week for me, maybe it'll help us realize how we do need some time apart to see how we really do feel about each other. After I said goodbye last night and I was driving off I did cry not in front of him because I didn't want him to know how much I really am going to miss him.

It's going to be weird not having him around or close enough that if I need him he can be here for me at moments notice or someone to hang out with me if I need him to. He said he'd call once they got down there but he still hasn't called, I'm a little worried but not too much since I haven't really heard of any plane crashes or anything like that.

Kind of just makes me want to hang out with my girls or just someone else since he's gone, but I don't know who or what to do. I kind of wish that Lucas was moved into his new house this week, but he doesn't move in till Friday...and Eric gets back Saturday night.

Ah well hopefully he'll call sometime soon or at least one day while he's gone...I can go one or two days without talking to him but a week is just weird. We'll see....

I think I'm sick, with something but I don't know.

Ever since yesterday I've had this huge sinus headache and it's also making my neck hurt along with my back. I had a fever this morning b/c our AC was out and for some reason I had the chills really bad. Finally though a couple hours later I woke up in a sweat, I guess it was from not only my fever breaking but b/c the house was so hot.

Also you know it drives me crazy whenever people tell me one thing and then turn around and just do the opposite. It's one of my really big pet peeves. It just really upsets me when someone that I care about goes and does that to me, it makes me feel like what they told me was pure crap.

People that do that or are like that to me really makes want to vomit.